None have followed. And when my heart breaks and aches, it is not just a ‘too bad that didn’t work out’ but turns into “I think my life is ending, I want to die.” The emotions buried so long ago to ensure survival are triggered and I am taken back to that place, I become that scared, little girl in a big lonely world and the pain of grief and isolation are so great that a part of me longs for death — anything to stop the pain.

When my marriage fell apart and these feelings were triggered, I could at least come up with logical reasons for why I was so upset, why I wanted to die. I had been with my husband for almost 15 years and we had been married for nearly 10. I depended on him almost exclusively and I trusted him completely. It seemed ‘reasonable’ that losing my best friend, lover and the person that I had been building a life with for over a decade would be extremely painful and would require ‘rebuilding’ my foundation. It made ‘sense,’ I could find a storyline that helped me understand my intense emotions and it provided solid ground even if that ‘solid ground’ caused a painful face plant, at least there was an explanation.

When I fell apart in March 2017, it made no sense. I had gone from a fully functioning, successful, somewhat content, single woman to feeling like a helpless, unloveable, abandoned child all because this new relationship that had very little grounding in my day to day life was collapsing. It made no sense and instead of a painful face plant, I was free falling. Even when I knew these feelings came from that little girl inside of me and even though I knew they were lying to me at a certain level, they were bewildering and overwhelming.

I had written a frickin’ book to process this crap and ‘figure it out’. A cathartic mass of 140,000 words and I had convinced myself that I was so much wiser, had more self awareness and was in a place where I could make ‘healthy’ decisions when it came to relationships. Maybe it was hubris, more likely it was simply naivete, still so unfamiliar with how to manage my inner and outer worlds and still unaware of how powerful the emotions of that devastated little girl were/are. I had promised myself, promised my heart that I was never going to allow myself to get to that place of emotional desperation again, I was never going to allow the end of a relationship with a man cause me to long for death. 

I found out that my reason, my awareness and my intellect were no match for the primal pull and the desperate hope of an abandoned child. I found myself right back where I had been during the dark emotional times of my marriage crumbling away — the intense, painful emotions of that scared, lonely little girl were back.


Silently
Stealthily
Overpowering

It is so easy
To want and wish
And want and want and want some more

I am heartbroken
How can I be so 
certain about 
how I feel
and so unsure
about who
I am?

Eviscerated.
Free falling for months
No longer comforted
by the pain 
of being me

Still scared of being
engulfed
So little faith
and yet foolish
enough to give
all of me
to the wolf
with the red roses

I did not ask
for his throat
for his eyes
for his teeth

I asked to be saturated
with pleasure,
I asked not to be
left alone

He gave me the first
half of my wish
and I am not alone

A ghost
haunts my soul,
challenging the knowledge
of my bones.

I know what I feel
I know what it could mean
I gave you all of me
with no hesitation

I walked off the ledge
of all I knew
simply for a taste of you
 
A morsel of eternity
from a mere mortal
trying to escape the pain
he did not choose

If it was only one night
was perfectly fine with you

      - C. Joyce, May 30, 2017


As I learn to sit with my feelings, Mother Earth has been my main support. Nature has always been my temple, the place I feel the most awe and the most connection. When I reached a point when I could no longer ‘hold it together’ and I simply let myself fall apart, Mother Earth supported me. I had grown too tired, too weary, to uphold the pretense that I knew what to do, I wasn't even sure who I was — I didn’t recognize myself.

It is the support of Turtle medicine that carried me through, held my being in a warm embrace as the person I knew fell apart. When I could no longer fight off the desire to die, I collapsed to the floor and sobbed. 

Something inside of me
died yesterday

I gave into the fear and pain

I laid on the floor
in the fetal position
and wished 
for death

I sobbed
I admitted defeat
I am powerless
I cannot move you

I have been 
in this place
before
I know
I will be ok

          - C. Joyce, April 25, 2017


I was so lost and confused and heartbroken. I was so mad and frustrated and bewildered. How could I have fallen so hard, so quickly? How could I be so foolish? How could I be so naive, so careless with my heart? How did I let myself trust someone that I had only met a few weeks prior? Why did I even think there was a chance for a long-term relationship when this guy’s life was a hot mess — plenty of red flags that I pretty much ignored because it was such a lovely idea and his presence made that little girl inside of me so happy, so giddy. She foolishly believed that she had found a replacement for her father and I went right along with the script by foolishly entertaining and falling in love with the idea that maybe he was my ‘true’ prince charming even though I had ‘given up’ on such silly, fantastical ideas and even though I did not know this guy well enough to have any idea if he had what it takes to build the life of his dreams and engage in a relationship. 

It probably doesn’t help that I had no idea how to keep my center, maintain my ground when I began to engage in that relationship. And it definitely does not help that I tend to be attracted to guys that aren’t very emotionally expressive since this is my ‘comfort’ zone. Having grown up in an emotional vacuum to a large extent, I often feel comfortable ‘instantly’ with others that are not very connected to/with their emotions. I use to think this was a good sign. “It is so easy to be around him, it feels so familiar,” I would think to myself and feel encouraged. Now I’m realizing that ‘comfortable’ is not necessarily a good thing when you’ve grown up in an environment that was not supportive or even aware of emotional needs.

I’ve learned that just because I am more in touch with my emotions and I am willing to share as openly and honestly as possible in a relationship, it does not mean that the other will share openly and honestly. In fact, my emotions, my vulnerability can be a threat to those that are closed down to their emotions. 

“It is hard for the unemotional, rational type[s] to be around someone who is emotional because it awakens [their] rejected emotions. Since this aspect of [their] personality is not allowed expression, the stimulus must be removed at all costs. If it’s not removed, [their] rejected self will awaken to the point where [they] can no longer keep it in check — a point that seems dangerous to the ego’s concept of self.”
(Eastern Body, Western Mind:  Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self, p117)

Maybe that is why 2 of the last 3 guys I’ve dated pretty much have no interest in talking to me or being my friend at this point. Maybe they don’t feel it’s worth the effort or they don’t understand why I would ever bother or desire to be in their lives so they just shut down, stop engaging in my life with no explanation. I can come up with theories and all kinds of reasons. I have no idea if they are accurate but I figure if they don’t want to share and communicate with me then I can go with whatever storyline I prefer.

It is so hard for that little girl inside me to understand. She is not familiar with the ways of the world, she thinks it is because she is unworthy of love. It is her fault. She is fated to be alone and in pain. This is when I tell her how beautiful and amazing she is. How she allows me to love easily and deeply, I just need to learn how to stay grounded even when I’m falling in love or falling out of love or free falling. 

When things fall apart we can call upon Turtle medicine and Mother Earth to calm and sooth us as well as teach us how to protect ourselves. “Like Turtle, you also have shields that protect you from hurt, envy, jealousy, and the unconsciousness of others. Turtle teaches you, through its habit patterns, how to use protection. If you are bothered by the actions or words of others, it is time to go inside yourself and honor your feelings. If you are attacked, it is time to give a warning snap.” (MC, p77)

It is hard to explain the comfort I feel when I allow Mother Earth to embrace me, when I allow all my cares and worries to fall away. When I stop trying to ‘figure things out’, Turtle medicine is near. There’s a comforting certainty in the earth, water and salt of the sea that forms the essence of Turtle medicine and fills it with love and connection. No truth is more poignant, no love more nurturing. I’m drawn to those with Turtle medicine, I feel safe by their side. I know they will always want the best for me. My first fiddle teacher carries this rare medicine. He will always hold a special place in my heart. 

My mom holds this medicine as well, for others at least. She’s unwavering in her love and acceptance for her children and in the care she is willing to shower on her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She has done the best she can and she has done more for me than I could every repay. She gave me roots of unconditional love and set me free to fly.

I’ve stumbled and leaped and crawled and scrambled, still unsure of how to ‘take flight’. I’ve made it so far and stood still at the same time. Chairos engulfing chronos, feelings buried alive never die. There was no face plant, no concrete to catch me after my heart break in March 2017. It was the power of Mother Earth that offered a warm embrace. It’s hard to imagine a warm embrace when you are free falling. It is hard to learn to fly when you don't have wings but with Mother Earth, there is abundance if we learn to open up to her bounty.

When we begin to let go of what we think we are, how we think life should be and trust that the earth will support us and meet our needs, we tap into Turtle medicine and discover, 

“You are not a victim, and you are not helpless, no matter how much it may seem like this is the case in your present situation. To right the ill-dignified Turtle, you need only list the things you are grateful for, and from that grateful place in your heart, look for the abundance of alternatives that Mother Earth gives.” 
 (Medicine Cards, p78)

It is Turtle medicine that has brought me safe this far and the connection I am developing with my heart will lead me on. For this I am abundantly grateful.

Namaste. 

May 27, 2020

             "The earth supports me and meet my needs."
             "I am immersed in abundance."
                 (first chakra affirmations from Eastern Body, Western Mind:  Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self)

As we begin to share these lessons during the Relation Stage of the journey, we are joined by Wolf. 
​
​Wolf is a teacher - fierce yet loving. It is the Howl of Wolf that awakens the power deep within that lays dormant when we tend to what we 'should do,' when we take action according to others' expectations and our own faulty perceptions.

​It is the loving fierceness of Wolf that opens the door to the life of our dreams. Wolf has strong ties to family as well as a strong urge for independence and individuality. Ultimately, Wolf uses her sense of individuality and her personal truth to teach the pack new ways of being. Wolves are not confined. They do not concern themselves with narrow domestic walls. They honor their roots with instinctual commitment while bringing new life to the clan - to all clans. That is why they are considered great teachers by so many native peoples.

Gazing at the Dog Star - home of the Wolf clan ancestors in some native traditions - we, too, may begin to wonder if there may be a gateway to knowledge, to our ancestors, to our future at a distant place in the cosmos or deep within. Time is only relevant in the world of matter and while each of us has physical attributes, many religious traditions and nearly all mystics believe that this form we take is only temporary, is not the whole story. 'Life is an illusion' at certain levels. It is Wolf that calls upon  the watery world of the subconscious and the soft shadows of the moon where our dreams live - our greatest desires and our worst fears. Wolf leads us to the discovery of the greatest teacher of all - the one that resides in each of us. 

My connection to nature has been my greatest teacher and walking with Wolf teaches me to blaze my own path and share the fruits of my adventures for the good of the clan. During my inner journey it is nature that has sustained my hope and alleviated my fear - Nature and all her creatures are by my side supporting me. So much wisdom waiting to be tapped. So many valuable lessons waiting to be learned.

As the lush green that surrounds us at the end of summer begins to transform into the vibrant colors of autumn, the dull brown and barren landscape of winter becomes a distant memory. Once we are surrounded by the rebirth that was hidden during the depths of winter - "[w]hen the winds calm and snow blankets the Earth, there is a dynamic stillness that lingers in the air, disturbed only by the soft crunching of fresh snow under your boots. When you stand still, the silence sings to your soul and you feel the power of rebirth patiently waiting for the arrival of spring" (Week 2 Blog, Mouse 'scrutiny') - this lifeless memory, our heartbreak, becomes a distant memory as the seasons of our life provide the weathering we need to heal our weary souls and wandering hearts.

On our year-long journey from heartbreak to celebration there are times that we are certain of the beauty that surrounds us in the natural world and the joy that resides at our core. There are also times that cause us to question the beauty of our world and the ability to find lasting peace, consistent contentment untainted by temporal desires and fears. Learning to Howl during these times can help us become the teachers we are called to be. 

When the wild in our hearts calls us outside on a full moon night, it is our ancestors that are calling to us. It is your God who is talking to you through the marvelous creation that surrounds us every day. This universal pull that can be so subtle at times and compulsive during some phases of our life, is that teacher deep within - the Wolf - tapping into our instincts, instructing us to go forth and Howl. 

Live your bliss. Discover your own path. Surrender to the power that is greater than us all. Give up being an ugly duckling. Rest on the wings of Grace. Wolf is the teacher that can lead us there if we are willing to start from where we are with a humble heart and open mind, if we are willing to Howl. 

"Baying at the moon may be an indication of Wolf's desire to connect with new ideas which are just below the surface of consciousness. Wolf medicine empowers the teacher within [each of] us to come forth and aid [each other, aid all] the children of Earth, in understanding the Great Mystery and life."

It is time to Howl - to release all the primal fears and sorrows and to bear witness to the undisturbed joy and peace in the depths of our being. " Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears . . . " (Aerosmith, Dream On)

"I am you and you are me." (The Mike + Ruthy Band, Cigarette)

Namaste. 

Paradox can be found in so many situations in life when we move past the surface.

This small creature and its distinctive markings keep much larger predators at bay with nothing more than 'hearsay'. Skunk medicine may not hold up in a court of law but it works wonders in our social interactions - "Your self-respectful attitude will repel those who are not of like mind, and yet will attract those who choose the same pathway." ​ (Medicine Cards, p65)

In an earlier blog (Week 10, Blue Heron) I shared, "If you want to decide where you end, you better examine whether each action you take is going to get you closer or further away from that destination." We are creating our lives each day, with every decision we make or do not make. It is that simple. Once again, it is not easy. There are so many engrained beliefs, subconscious value systems that have been instilled in us during childhood. All too often we were in a situation that taught us unhealthy coping mechanisms. As children we have so little choice in many ways - we are dependent on our parents to provide a safe, nurturing environment for the most part. Even the most well-meaning, loving parents sometimes lack the knowledge and/or resources to provide an environment in which children are safe and nourished, enabling them to learn and feel supported. 

I feel like I had a great childhood for the most part, all the way through High School and College. And even with a very loving, caring mother I was exposed to experiences and belief systems that created some faulty wiring and a pretty backward belief system. When voices in my head during law school started to taunt me with, "You should be barefoot and pregnant" & "You are not cut out to make it in a man's world", I was mostly fascinated and only slightly disturbed.

It was fascinating because I never consciously accepted these values and never had been overtly 'indoctrinated' into this value system but it was the subtle and powerful structures of the groups I was a part - my family, the church, even at school but much more so at church and home - that showed me every single day that a woman's role was to be in the home, to be a good mother, to serve others. To be submissive was an honored trait that was ordained by The Bible and by God himself in the religion of my youth. These are well-meaning beliefs at certain level but they did not align with my inner truth, I can assure you I was not born to submit - submissiveness is not my nature, it is my nurture. For me to move away from heartbreak toward empowerment, I had to become aware of these faulty subconscious beliefs that were directing my life in ways that I was unaware and therefore unable to manage or change.

In TKC I wrote, I am "working to expose the faulty belief system that continue[s] to obfuscate my power to build the life my dreams for as long as it remain[s] unrecognized." (p186) If we want to tap into the medicine of Skunk, we need to be aware of the beliefs we hold about ourselves and bring to the surface any beliefs that do not align with our personal truth and with living honestly as we can. We must "[u]se our medicine well, and know that [we] are known by [our] reputation. How [we] use our energy will attract either honor or disgrace." (Medicine Cards, p66)

Skunk medicine asks us "to examine what energy [we] are putting out that creates [our] present situation", or perhaps - how we perceive our present circumstances. (Medicine Cards, p66) 

"The carriage of your body relates to others what you believe about yourself. There is no need to bully, aggravate, torment, or overpower other beings when your sense of "self" is intact. As with Skunk, the resonant field of energy around your body is relayed through the senses. Self-esteem permeates the body's energy, and is instantly recognized on an extrasensory level by others." (Medicine Cards, p65)

​To be able to tap into the medicine of Skunk, we must first cultivate a healthy sense of self-esteem that comes from finding and living according to our personal truth. There are so many things I want in life. There are so many things I wanted and that will never be. On my inner journey I found that most of all, I just wanted to be me - all of me. I didn't want to have to hide my hurt and pain to be loved. I didn't want to pretend that I was strong and independent and 'fine' when I wasn't. I didn't want to take life on all by myself and ignore, push away all the things that hurt me and caused disappointment. 

​All the avoidance and denial in my life came mostly from subconscious 'survival' mechanisms I picked up when I was a child and the pain of losing my father to brain damage and my mother to the emotional overload that was caused by losing her husband with 3 young children. She did the best she could and I love my mom dearly. There is no need to place blame. The pain these traumatic losses in my childhood caused was too great for the carriage of my body. My body's inherent ability to survive/will to live created a wall within me that kept the overwhelming pain away at a time when I did not have the resources to process and manage it. 

A miracle of sorts. Pretty sure every day is a miracle. We are surrounded by miracles every single day and yet it can be so hard to see them and so easy to fall into doubt and fear. Skunk medicine shows us how the accumulation of the small actions we take every day can either provide us a lovely area in the woods to play and chill out with the nonthreatening, nonchalance of Skunk - self-esteem fully intact, no need to get defensive as the wide berth of our reputation creates a safe home for us to enjoy. 

When our self-esteem is not in tact, when we have not cultivated a healthy home for ourselves to enjoy and play - it is very likely that our lives or parts of our lives become very smelly. It is not fun dealing with the stench, the pain of denial and avoidance, but if we want to free ourselves from ignorance and circumstance, if we want to move away from heartbreak toward celebration and empowerment - we better start by cleaning up our own messes. Taking care of ourselves and being true to our responsibilities is a good start and Skunk teaches that by "walking your talk and by respecting yourself, you will create a position of strength and an honored reputation." (Medicine Cards, p65)

​The simple pleasures and rewards that come from Skunk medicine provide us a space for laughter and give us the permission to take risks. "Does the world call you by name or are you still pretending to be less than you are?" (Does the World Know Your Name, TKC, p175)

No more hiding in the shadows, acting out of fear or doubt . . . Let your light shine from deep within and the medicine of Skunk will work wonders in your life.

Namaste. 

How hard am I suppose to work? How much do I push for my vision, my dreams?

When am I doing the right amount and letting the universe support me and when am I pushing too hard and trying to direct the universe to go in the direction I want to go instead of being guided by the wisdom within? When am I not pushing hard enough or when am I turning away from opportunities without realizing it because I'm too scared to take the risk? Can I be content and remain fated? Can I be fated and live the life of my dreams? And why am I so damn tired most of the time? 

I have a lot more questions than answers this week and Badger has many good insights to help guide me/us to empowerment on many levels. ​

"In this medicine, the key is to become aggressive enough to do something about your present state of affairs. Badger is teaching you to get angry in a creative way and say, 'I won't take it anymore.' You must follow-up by keeping  your eye on the goal. Honor the healing process as you express those inner feelings. 

Be aggressive, but don't cut others to ribbons on the way - that is too much aggression. Use your anger to stop your lolling around, so that your doldrums of apathy are a thing of the past. Badger is a powerful medicine when properly used for self-improvement.

Remember that Badger may be signaling a time when you can use your healing abilities to push ahead in life. Heal yourself by aggressively removing the barriers that don't 'grow corn.' Cut away the dead wood and use Badger's aggression to seek new levels of expression. Use Badger's medicine roots to keep grounded and centered in the process." 
(Medicine Cards, p154)

It is time to move away from being 'busy' (i.e.- throwing spaghetti) and get smart about how I spend my time each day. It is one thing to throw some spaghetti at the wall and see if you get lucky - see if something sticks. It is a whole different commitment level to put together a plan, follow a strategy, implement tactics along the way and still find that it is not meant to be. You have done all you knew how to do and you have failed is a different level of risk and exposure than 'let's see if this sticks' . . . 

​Badger has shown me that anger (a feeling I have been experiencing recently and mentioned in my Week 29 Blog) "stems from anger toward the self. It is an anger of helplessness that is misdirected toward others." (Medicine Cards, p154)

Badger not only provides answers but also prompts questions - What is it that I am feeling helpless about? "It is [my] lack of aggressiveness or initiative?" (Medicine Cards, p155)  

"Badger teaches [us] the pitfalls of shyness and insecurity as well as of misused or vicious aggression. ... [This] medicine can be difficult and learning to use it properly is a rare gift."

I think that I need more than a week to learn from this small creature. As I contemplate Badger medicine today, it resonates at a deeper level with me than it has previously. It applies more directly to my life at present than it has in the past and my inactivity regarding marketing my book and actively pursuing opportunities to write, teach and create a more loving world for myself and others needs to end. "No more inactivity can prevail without creating pain of some kind." (Medicine Cards, p155)  

My issue isn't  that I sit around doing nothing but rather, I keep busy doing a little bit of everything without focusing or having an intention. It is my inactivity regarding actively engaging in building the life of my dreams that leaves me exhausted, having endless to-do lists and tasks and yet I feel like I accomplish so little. I'm not working smarter, I'm just keeping busy out of habit. It doesn't help that I find so many things fascinating and interesting which makes it really easy to be distracted. And, to say that I have been commitment shy in pretty much all areas of my life since my divorce in 2010 is probably an understatement. 

It goes back to what I said earlier, how do I know what to fight for if I don't know what I truly want? I must decide what I want, where I want my life to lead and then I must use Badger's determination and willingness to fight to follow that path with unwavering dedication. It may be that I work a job for the next few years if that is the best option at this point. I will commit to this job fully, knowing that it is helping me build toward the life of my dreams.

It is time to find the answer to that pesky question - "What would I attempt to do if I knew I could not fail?" . . . No more inactivity, enough of 'busy'. Time to move past the fear and the helplessness that I felt as a child. My heart is healing and I know that I have the power to build the life of my dreams. With this awareness, I will ask the universe what I am meant to do and I will decide what I need to do to bring this vision to life.  
​
Once I make the decision, I will have the certainty needed to be able to tap into Badger's powerful medicine and bring about the life of my dreams.

Namaste.

​The lightness and simple elegance of Fox come from an approach to life that is practical and yet whimsical and witty. Fox shows us how to be completely comfortable in our skin and to take life as it comes with ingenuity and confidence. These qualities allow us to take quick, decisive action that honors our beliefs and maintains our dignity.

A couple weeks ago near Silverthorne, CO, I was pleasantly surprised to see a Fox trotting along the road in the quiet of the early morning,. Maybe she was making an early appearance, reminding me to think ahead, use my wit and work to increase my physical prowess to be better prepared for the remainder of the journey from heartbreak to empowerment.

When I first set out on this journey, I had no idea what lay ahead and I definitely did not know how long it would take. I'm finding that the inner journey isn't linear. Once started, the journey becomes ongoing. I can no longer avoid and deny. Ignorance is bliss but once you realize your ignorance, there is no turning back - for better and for worse. Life is not all good, you have to take the bad, too. Dammit.

Life can become all good when you learn to accept the bad with the good and understand it is all part of one big experiment. We are each a part of this experiment, this amazing creation. There are many theories on who created us or how creation happened and lots of people like to argue for one truth, one great absolute that is truer or better than all others. But if there is an absolute, then there can't be separation and that means we are all connected. "I am you and you are me" - it doesn't matter what god we worship or what beliefs we hold.  

I have a lot of doubts about a lot of things in life but I have no doubt that our world, this earth we live on,  is absolutely phenomenal and we are all connected, we are all part of creation and my fate is tied to that of every living being. It is when I'm in nature that I feel the greatest sense of awe, joy, and connection. This is probably why I am drawn to Animal Guides.

With the medicine of Fox, I can learn to manage my emotions and communicate in ways that help to build healthy relationships. With practice, I can learn to be invisible like Fox - leave no trace. This is simple medicine but very difficult to get to a level of awareness to be able to actually live it. I am learning to manage the the natural cycles of life, learning to say goodbye without adding the pain of childhood trauma when I lost half my sky. I try to live in a way that minimizes negative impacts in my life and on our shared planet and I am so grateful to have Animal Guides like Fox to guide me along the path from heartbreak to empowerment, providing comfort, insight, and inspiration. 

Namaste.