The nest of baby rabbits nestled by the roots of the tree represent the fear that has been at the root of my life since the traumatic loss of my father at a very young age. I am learning to sit with the fear along with the pain - at times my only task is to simply remain . . . | What is your greatest fear? What is my greatest fear? That I'll never find a life partner, that I'll live the rest of my life alone. I'm pretty sure I would have a lot of fun and there are a lot of perks to being on one's own but if I am honest about it all, I really want to be with a very special someone but not just anyone, not simply 'good enough'. In 2017 & 2018 I was very heart broken for the most part and wanted to be with anyone, pretty much. That's probably why I persisted in dating a guy that showed me very clearly by his actions that he really was not that into me. I made up excuses for him, gave him the benefit of the doubt and learned in the end I should have listened to my doubts, gone with my gut feeling from the beginning and not started a relationship, and I definitely should not have stayed in the relationship when so many red flags appeared and remained. I guess the good news is that when my doubt was unequivocally affirmed, I walked away with no hesitation, dismayed by the level of his dishonesty, relieved that I no longer was in such an uninspiring relationship. Broken hearts don't generally make good choices. |
I've been working to heal my heart, to make better choices in my life and to trust the universe to provide. I'm not sure why it is so hard to make healthy choices and trust the universe to provide but I'm fairly certain is has a lot to do with that broken-hearted, little girl that lost her dad so many years ago.
I wish I could say I am fearless but I am not. I rarely let my fear stop me from acting - for better or for worse. There's still something in me that is so scared to create, still so scared to move, still so scared to simply be me and still unsure if I am enough while at the same time feeling like I'm too, too much.
I'm working to maintain peace with being alone, being on my own.
Alone
There are mornings
I awake
And the air is heavy
A nostalgia for
What was
What will never be
Returning
From the haze
of subconscious
in the early morning light
Thick and
Pregnant
Are the losses
of an
Untouched
Womb
Working
So hard
To be happy
in a life
with so many
Possibilities
but no solid ground
on which to
Stand
The strong embrace
of a man
willing to test his heart
alludes me
Pursued so feverishly
by those
Pulsating with
Passion's desire
Hoping that
Hunger
Will keep them coming back
Knowing it is not enough
Once the
Prize of pursuit
Transforms into
the possibility of loss
Once their skin is in the game
So few remain
So few words to explain
the deathly quiet of
Silence
Fills the air
I inhale
the quiet
Enters my body,
Finding its way
to every molecule
of doubt
in my
Being
I am alone
in the utter stillness
of my fears
I am alone
I am alone
I
am
alone
.
A chant of reverence
that haunts me
Searching for a crack
in my bones
Looking for a point of entry
a place left
Unguarded
in the depths
of my being
Perhaps a tiny fracture
Remains
from those words
you said, or did not
say when I
Walked away
When the air is thick
and my heart is tired
the silence scares me
Sometimes it finds
its way into the
marrow of my being and
echoes through the
hollow of my bones
You are alone,
You are alone,
You
are
alone
.
The mantra of memory
that is my shadow
so hard to see
so easy to feel
Dimly lit rooms
Confusion
Isolation
All I wanted was the
Warm embrace
of my father but
he was
Gone
All I want is the
Warm embrace
of a man
who does not understand
but acts on love
Anyway
and knows how much
I need to feel
his strong, soft arms
Around me
on the nights
when my being
Remembers
the feelings
I've been
trying to
Forget
Running
Avoiding
for over 30 years
Bringing them along
inside my soul
There is no
Escape
only the rawness
of a festering
Wound
Left unattended
for so many years.
— C Joyce, 1.28.2018
Namaste.