PICTURED ABOVE: Sunrise at about 13,000 ft on Mount Rainier in July 2007. Homer's 'rosy finger tips of dawn' took on a whole new meaning as we were bathed in the pink light - even the snow glowed with an almost hot pink hue. The long, monotonous trudge up the mountain was exhausting but it also provided spectacular views and was an experience of a lifetime that was worth the effort - no pain, no gain . . . it is the unnecessary pain and drama that we need to identify and reduce as much as possible. | Sunrise. Rebirth. The cycles of life that continue day after day, month after month, year after year until we have gone through countless generations and moved into millennia. Bat is powerful medicine. It is the medicine of the risen christ in christianity. You do not need religion to be reborn, however. When Bat shows up in your life it can portend "the need for a ritualistic death of some way of life that no longer suits your new growth pattern. This can mean a time of letting go of old habits, and of assuming the position in life that prepares you for rebirth, or in some cases initiation. In every case, Bat signals rebirth of some part of yourself or the death of old patterns. If you resist your destiny, it can be a long, drawn out, or painful death. The universe is always asking you to grow and become your future. To do so you must die the shaman's death." (Medicine Cards, p206) Bat was my guide for most of 2017. I was not sure what to expect, what 'rebirth' I might experience. I was drawn to the concept, I love spring and the continual cycles in life that show us the beauty of rebirth, leave it to me to focus on the positive and overlook the possible negatives. It was only after a friend commented that 'rebirth' sounded painful that it crossed my mind that my 'rebirth' may be less than enjoyable. In April 2017, I found myself being forced to say goodbye to a possibility in my life that I loved. |
I finally have a solid understanding of what that 'dead horse' is and I'm letting it go. These painful goodbyes have forced me to face the painful goodbye I was not able to face as a child. My dad was gone. My dad is gone. I have a dad - a disabled man who is amazing and inspiring in his own right but he is not the dad I had before the accident, before part of the left hemisphere of his brain was removed.
It is painful but not nearly as painful and exhausting as pretending that I did not lose my dad and desperately clinging to the hope that I can replace him. He is gone. He is never coming back and it is no one's fault. It seems obvious to any adult but I was a 4 1/2 year old child who didn't understand and didn't receive the support I needed to process all these painful feelings that got stored in my body.
The good news is that I can process these feelings now - I can free myself from ignorance and circumstance. Each of us can if we are willing to sit with ourselves for long enough. If we can stop resisting and start accepting. It is not an easy path but I don't really think there is an 'easy' path in life and I prefer to choose my direction in life rather than waiting to see where the winds of fate might take me. I've been grieving the loss of my dad for the last two years and luckily I have had the guidance of an amazing therapist over the last year. It has been a long and painful process, perhaps I have died the shaman's death at this point. I'm pretty sure my stubborn resistance has made it more difficult - have I been resisting my destiny? I've finally gotten to a place where I can admit to myself that I lost my dad and it was a big deal and it is OK to be upset about it even when it still doesn't make sense to me at a certain level, or maybe there is still a part of me that does not want to accept the pain and loss.
I have known that I cannot return to the strong embrace of the father I had as a young child for most my life but I was not willing to accept this loss until his ghost was awakened in 2017. Here's a poem I wrote in June 2017 about this revelation:
Acceptance
Endless
but there has to be an end
to me
I thought it was you
but perhaps
you were the beginning
and not the end
So much in life fades away
"hearts & thoughts"
for better
for worse
will I find another
another
and
another
And all I want is you
But it is a different you
From a different time
and a far away place
A 'you' I lost
so long ago
And now I am
Haunted by the
Ghost
An archetype
of a man
I don't remember
And yet I cannot quite
forget . . .
Breaking my heart
again & again
Trying to return
Forgetting to remember
The primal pull
Ignited by chance
I did not want
to know
that I cannot
return
but your ghost
has told me
so.
- C. Joyce, 6/26/2017
I will do my best to stay in the present moment, revel in the joy of springtime and the beauty that surrounds us every day if we pay attention. Goodbye dad, I love you.
Namaste.