"Call to Frog and find peace in the joy of taking time to give to yourself. A part of this giving is cleansing yourself of any person, place, or thing that does not contribute to your new state of serenity and replenishment." (Medicine Cards, p190) What brings me peace? What brings me joy? These are the things I should be focused on.
Frog Medicine centers on water and cleansing and matches the weather we had today with the rain and the melting away of the snow - a perfect backdrop to talk about this very powerful medicine for healing and makes me feel better about the fact that I'm a few weeks behind on my blog as week 8 of 2019 started on ~ 2/18. "Frog teaches us to honor our tears, for they cleanse the soul." (Medicine Cards, p189)
It is Frog medicine that calls the rains to mother Earth each spring, cleansing and replenishing. "Like Frog, we are asked to know when it is time to refresh, purify, and refill the coffers of the soul. . . . The key thought is to find a way to rid yourself of distractions and to replace the mud with clear energy." (Medicine Cards, p189)
I'm working on getting myself to a place where I am replenished. It has been a long, cold winter and I have been muddying the waters with unnecessary distractions. I am learning that it is my own negative views, my own low self esteem that has created so much of the pain in my life.
I'm still trying to make sense of my emotions, where the intense waves of feeling worthless and abandoned come from. I grew up in a home with a very loving mother and suffered no physical abuse, no 'true' abandonment.
Once again I'm brought to tears just writing about this loss, a part of me finally recognizing the need to process it. There was a lot of confusion and little explanation when dad had his accident. When a guy I'm in a relationship with pulls away and doesn't communicate with me, the same feelings get triggered and I struggle to maintain my balance, my desired 'take it or leave it' attitude often gets engulfed by a desperate pull that begs, "Please, please love me and never leave." It can push me to the edge of an anxiety attack, it takes all my will power to sit with this anxiety and usually I end up calling a friend or my mom to get reassurance, to start to 'reset' my attachment frequency and calm my being.
I'm pretty sure the feelings of abandonment and worthlessness come from the disrupted attachment that happened when I lost my dad at such a young age - at an age when a child is unable to distinguish between herself and the object of her attachment. I'm finding this is not something to take lightly, this attachment is not something I am able to control at present.
I'm working to clear my body, my psyche of this trauma. I finally understand that I need to be extremely careful who I get wrapped around. Getting 'wrapped' around someone that strikes my fancy is not hard for me. It makes no difference if the long term prospects with the guy are about as good as a snowball's chance in hell, I'll still 'take a chance' to see if maybe, by some miracle, it could work out in the long run. I wrote in TKC that I needed to stop depending on miracles. I've become even more aware of this fact over the last year. I even came up with a great quote to express this state of affairs:
"I may be delusional but I am not stupid" (translation, "I will create all kinds of lovely possibilities in my head that are not based in reality but once reality bites me in the ass, I pay attention").
It is not so fun getting bit in the arse, however, and my heart is getting tired of being served up on a silver platter to any beggar that comes along. At one point I thought a good way to address this issue was to find someone that was certain about me. I recently realized - I need to be the one who feels certain about me and a good dating prospect will be certain about who he is and what he wants from a relationship, and willing to make a commitment to a common future - even if it just starts as a commitment to be a caring and responsive friend that one can depend on.
Can I unlearn these feelings, can my body's wisdom and my quest for truth set me free from ignorance and circumstance? I think it can, I am giving it a try - it is not any crazier than my delusions and you never know . . .
What can I say, I'm a fool when it comes to love and believe that love can overcome all but only with another who is willing act on love. I don't think many people understand these feelings of mine, I barely understand them. I know these feelings stem from the trauma I experienced as a child - "only through experience can one know how hard it is to break free from the chains of existence embedded in our being." (TKC, p47)
I'm working with Frog medicine to cleanse the fear of abandonment and feelings of worthlessness from my psyche. I'm working to loosen the shackles imprinted on my being by the emotional pain that four and half year-old child experienced when she lost 1/2 her sky and had no one to comfort or guide her or to tell her it wasn't her fault. I understand theoretically that it was not her fault (my fault) but something inside of me has not let go and the chains are heavy at times but I know that I need to stop dragging that horse around - it is too exhausting and there is a whole world of possibilities awaiting!
Ahoy & namaste.