Above: Playing in the funky field lights at Riverfront Park next to the pedestrian bridge last fall. My shadow or my ghost? | My weekly blog, turned monthly, has now become quarterly. : ) I've had quite an emotional journey / trip / free fall over the past 3-4 months. The word primal has become an integral part of my vocabulary. Over the next few weeks, I will be sharing with you how this powerful force entered my consciousness. It started with the decision to try online dating. It seemed pretty harmless, I didn't expect to meet the man of my dreams, I wasn't even sure iif he existed. Eros with flesh on? Was this plausible? Desireable? I wrote in TKC, "I wonder if I will ever be 'in love' again. I know I will love again. I love deeply and I am learning to love others and myself without the unnecessary hurt and pain. I am not sure if being in love is desirable. It seems that being in love (as opposed to 'loving') is based in an idea, in my fantasyland, and it places the other in the context of my world and my desires instead of accepting the other as is. I would prefer to love deeply as a friend and if Eros comes along, all the better." I no longer wonder. I know. I'll start with a poem. |
Stealthily
Overpowering . . .
It is so easy
To want and wish
And want and want and want some more.
I am heartbroken.
How can I be so
certain about
how I feel
and so unsure
about who
I am?
Eviscerated
Free falling for months
No longer comforted
By the pain of being me.
Still scared of being
Engulfed
So little faith
And yet foolish
Enough to give all
To the wolf
With the red roses.
I did not ask
For his throat
For his eyes
For his teeth, his heart, or his soul.
I asked to be saturated
With pleasure
I asked not to be
Left alone.
He granted my wish
A night of pleasure
And a ghost by my side
Haunting my soul
Challenging the knowledge
Of my bones.
I know what I feel
I know what it could mean
I let you take
All of me
With no hesitation.
I walked off the ledge
Of all I know
Simply for a taste of you.
A morsel of eternity
From a mere mortal
Trying to escape the pain
He did not choose.
If it was only one night
Was perfectly fine with you.
_ C. Joyce, May 2017