I really like that I captured this insect on a super cool plant in Costa Rica. It is not an ant but it will do . . . Ant medicine brings together many animal medicines to achieve patience. "Ant is a builder like Beaver, is aggressive like Badger, has stamina like Elk, scrutiny like Mouse, and give-away like Turkey. . . . Ant people are planners, like Squirrel, and are content to see their dreams being built a little at a time." (Medicine Cards, p165) This theory aligns with T. Boone Pickens' famous quote:
"A fool with a plan can beat a genius with no plan."
What do you trust? The words written by others? Your own heart? The love you share with another? Do you have enough trust in the Universe to provide all that you need? All that you desire?
Patience is the main strength of ant medicine. Patience requires trust. Those that have ant medicine "are content in knowing that 'what is yours will come to you.' This knowing is good medicine. It shows a trust in the Universe to provide."(Medicine Cards, p165)
I'm just starting to trust life, trust that I have the power to build the life of my dreams even when I have so little control over so many variables.
It is week 5 of our year-long journey tracing the path from heart break to empowerment. I've been on this path consciously since October 2007, but it was only a few nights ago that for the first time in my life, or at least for the first time since April 1976, I found that I am connected to my heart and I am learning to follow where it leads.
I'm still not sure where my heart is, where it has been hiding for all these years, but I am connected to it. Nearly twelve years on the inner path and I'm just now consciously connecting to my heart and learning to listen quietly to its wisdom.
I realize now that it was my heart that instructed me when my world was falling apart, when I was falling apart.
I've learned that healing a broken heart takes time and I don't get to set the schedule. The sun is going to shine in its own damn time. As surely as the sun will rise, our hearts can heal but it can be a lot more painful and take a lot more time than anticipated. Processing the stored grief and allowing myself to heal has not come by 'doing,' it has come by being willing to sit still - no longer running away, no longer avoiding painful feelings. Sitting still and calling each cell of my body to be present in the moment, learning that the waves of emotional pain are not harmful or dangerous. I can outlive my feelings, I can outlive the pain.
This is the power of patience.
I sat in the presence of the shredded membranes of my heart, oozing pain, wishing for death . . . I cried and I sat, I cried and I sat, I cried and I crumbled to the floor having lost the will to live, praying for mother earth to swallow me whole, anything to stop the pain.
It was a year ago that I last had the desire to die. It was Super Bowl Sunday 2018 and I found myself in a complete emotional melt down and no one to blame except me. I called a suicide hotline. I was too embarrassed to call my family or friends. A very nice woman talked me off my ledge, provided me the comfort of lining up a call for the next day to check on me. All I needed was to know that someone cared.
It seems so ridiculous to me. I am blessed with many people who love and adore me and yet I felt so alone. Plus, I had been on this 'empowerment' journey for over 10 years, I wrote a freaking book to process all the pain and emotions - I was supposed to be done with it and yet there I was longing for death, buried in emotional pain. How pathetic. It didn't really matter how ridiculous or pathetic I thought I was, it only mattered that I admitted I had an issue and asked for help.
I don't know if it was later that night or the next day that I decided it was time to find a professional counselor. Luckily, I found an amazing therapist at the Omaha Trauma and Attachment Center. I've been seeing her every 2-3 weeks for almost a year. I feel blessed that I have the resources to receive the professional help I need.
I no longer wish for death. I'm acquiring patience and learning to walk the path of ant medicine. On some days I feel at peace with life, I can weather any storm - if I simply do what needs to be done each day, the universe will provide. Other days, it is a struggle to remain calm, emotional waves arise and I find myself struggling to maintain balance - those days are few and far between at this point, thank god, allah, buddha and great spirit. There were times in 2017 that it was a daily struggle and it remained a struggle into 2018.
The really good news is that 2019 feels like it is going to be a great year, maybe because I feel content with my life again, as is, no prince charming needed to ride happily ever after into the sunset - but it is still a lovely possibility . . .